This was going to be the year I traveled more. I had been breathing life into a Europe trip for months, painstakingly mapping a route and selecting Airbnb’s at each destination. It was all paid for and planned, so much effort and excitement, the first time I’d be traveling by myself, just to prove that I could. To do something scary for the sake of doing it, to trust myself in any situation. I had even included my mom in the last half, paid for a cruise for the both of us. And then, COVID.

Just like that, I was out of work. My lease ended 6 weeks after I lost my job, and I couldn’t afford anything else, so I went and stayed with family. Almost 30, unemployed and living with my mother, with a lot of international cancellations to make.

Here’s the thing, I’ve had ample time to wallow in negativity. I think we all have. For all of those that suffer depression, I am praying for you. For all of those that feel isolated and hopeless, you’re always in my mind. We have had TOO much time to think. During a season of deprivation and isolation, the biggest loss I feel is being able to smile and seeing it returned. Not only has our depressed economy been wearing a giant frown anyway, it’s ‘asked nicely’ (and in most cases forced) to put a cotton covering over any semblance of happiness left on our faces. We go around town seemingly robotic and unfeeling, unable to make out words spoken, to discern the mood of the guy in line next to you, to offer a kind grin to a passing stranger. We have lost our personalities and easy politeness, replacing it with 6 feet of fear and hesitation.

I figured it prudent that I make a list of all the good that has come out of this, even if I’m grasping at sanitized straws:

1. CHANGE! Okay, I know not everyone is a fan. Some people enjoy their daily routine, remiss if unexpected obstacles get dropped in their way, but look at it this way – As we age, time speeds up. It’s a scientific fact. (Not really.) Days blend into weeks blend into months and then you’re using a walker. Memorable events break up this monotony. Life changes mark the passing of time, making it easier to look back and remember these days clearly. Oh, I have to move into a much smaller apartment and I’m counting my pennies now? Cool, I definitely won’t forget this.
2. Cleanliness. I’ll admit, I have always been very aware of the dirt around me. I wipe my phone down with alcohol wipes every night. I make it a habit to not touch my face. I open public doors with my foot or elbow. I love having clean hands. So, in light of our current normal, everyone is getting these exaggerated habits of hygiene drilled into them. Also no one breathes down my neck in lines anymore.
3. I get to find a new job! That sentence sounds like it’s dripping with sarcasm, but I promise, it’s not. I actually enjoy joining a team. I tend to only make friends at work (different blog post topic), so my work space becomes my social hour (while still over achieving my role.. looking at you, future employer). New beginnings are always full of hope; Despite all the bullshit I’ve gone through, I still genuinely believe that.
4. A damn appreciation for the world we once knew. I have no idea when we’ll all stop breathing our own carbon dioxide, or when Citizen Cope will reschedule his Portland visit, or if the now-September Jo Koy show I had tickets for will actually happen, or when I’ll witness the beautiful, beautiful restaurant industry blossom again, but I can promise you I will never take these wonderful luxuries for granted ever again.

We will make it through this, people. And for the love of all that’s holy, just be KIND to one another. One day I’ll be able to laugh without sucking fabric in my mouth.

Ainslee